Parable of the Isms is a short, accessible, parable describing the various political systems of this Earth.
Parable of the Isms or, You Have Two Cows (Mike Sosteric Version)
Capitalism: You have two cows. You’re not happy with just two cows so you take other people’s cows. You get the people with no cows to look after “your” cows. You give them a little milk for their effort and say it’s natural or that God wants it that way.
Totalitarianism: You have most of the cows, but that’s not enough. You take control of the government and take all the cows for yourself, giving out less milk so you can have more. Everybody suffers. Some even starve. The people complain, but you lie and hypnotize.
Fascism: You have all the cows and totalitarian control of the government. Emboldened, you give out even less milk. Starving people try to steel “your” cows. Putting aside all pretense, you get the police and army to put the poor down.
Nazism. You have all the cows, control of the government, and powerful civic, state, and military police forces. The people are starving and ready to revolt. You pick a vulnerable population to blame and get the people to murder each other. You get to keep all the cows.
Democratic Socialism: The people see through your charade. Starving, and with the environment collapsing all around them, they revolt and kick your ass out of office. They take control of the cows and fairly distribute the milk.
Communism. The government gives back the cows and then permanently disbands itself. You have two cows. The cows produce more milk than you need, so you willingly share it with others. Everybody lives happily ever after.
From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.
- If you like this, check out Rocket Scientists Guide to Money and the Economy for an enlightening explanation of money and a complete rundown of “The System”
Background
The original “Parable of the Isms”: was published under the name Ann Landers. Ann Landers was a character/pen name created by the Chicago Sun-Times and used to offer “advice” through their syndicated advice column throughout the United States. In December 27, 2001 , in response to a question by an “inner city English teacher” who wanted to know how to explain communism, socialism, and fascism without having to get into a history lesson, the paper reprinted the Parable of the Isms, or the “You have two cows ” satire. Lander’s version of the parable goes like this:
Parable of the Isms (Ann Landers version)
Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the government, and the government sells it.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows. Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.
Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.
Ann Lander’s version is at best a lame and politically misinformed piece of satire. At worst it is intentionally distributed agitprop designed to airbrush all the flaws out of Capitalism. Now, however, with the ecology collapsing and global fascism on the rise, it might be time for an updated answer to the question, one closer to actual reality, and one more in line with the historical trajectory predicted by Hegel and Marx.